Look, living on this 5.972 × 10^24 kilogram orb is hard. If there’s anything I can get in exchange for a small amount of metal circles and paper marked with dead guys’ faces that will make my human life easier, I’ll get it. Here’s a list of the superficial objects, things, and metaphysical concepts that have made my 21 years better in some tiny way.
I LOVE SLEEP!!!!!!!!! Sucks that I suck at it. My ‘trying to fall asleep’ routine is just me laying in complete and utter darkness for 2-4 hours getting increasingly angry that my body won’t shut off and do one of the only things it needs to do to survive. How weird is it that we can be BAD at something our bodies are literally programed to do. What a handy skill.
When I was young, I used to convince my parents all the time that I had a “cold” and I needed Benadryl– that goopy purple nectar would knock me right out. I’m not sure how they always believed me but I think they were just tired of me asking them to check for ghosts in the corners of my room.
These days, I have weird anxiety when it comes to trying to fall asleep (MAYBE BECAUSE I’M SO BAD AT IT) so I try to prolong it as much as possible by staying up late reading wikipedia articles on old government mind control experiments (go look up Project MKULTRA, it’s horrifying). But using melatonin solves that, honestly. It’s natural but strong and it actually works.
Here’s the type I use. I get the 2.5 mg kind and sometimes taking half is enough to pull me into unconsciousness.
// EXTERNAL CHARGER
Remember the days of yore when you only needed to charge your flip phone maybe once every couple of days? That season has long since past and now we have slim glass bricks that are destroyed by a 3 feet drop and need to be charged multiple times a day.
My old iPhone would drop from 100% to 50% battery after looking at one Instagram photo of a dog so it was obviously essential for me to invest 16 dollars into this cute pink external charger. It’s great to have especially for treks to the Earth’s molten core and/or long bus rides.
If you know me in real life, you know that I prioritize hydration. I used to go around parties and get people to drink water like some sort of h2O missionary.
I don’t spread the good word of Water too much in social settings anymore but you know what, I SHOULD. Drinking enough water will solve all of your problems!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Except for maybe your crippling student debt or your failing marriage, but other than that, you’re SET.
I’m sure my cells and organs celebrate the anniversary of me purchasing my first Camelbak water bottle like it’s a national holiday. There’s something about that weird bitey nozzle, reminiscent of a baby’s milk bottle, that makes you want to drink water by the gallon. Maybe it’s because I haven’t emotionally matured since infancy, but whatever the case, I’m more hydrated than ever. Here’s a link to get your very own Adult Baby Bottle™
// FALSE LASHES
I’m not kidding when I say false lashes CHANGED MY LIFE. They’re a really effective way to step up your Look. Plus they make you look like you’re better at makeup than you are and they photograph REALLY well.
Just pop on some eyeliner (or struggle with it for 45 minutes while your friends become exasperated with how long you’re taking so they order the Uber and then you’re forced to leave with uneven winged liner but it’s fine because parties are always dimly lit and we’re all going to die anyway) and some false lashes and you’re ready to hit the town!
My favorite type right now are the Ardell Natural 110-Black.
False lashes are kind of hard to put on at first but it definitely gets easier with practice. Look up a tutorial on youtube for it, that shit helps. Also if you peel the glue off the lash band, you can get a bunch of uses out of one pair. There’s a lil #LifeHack for you, free of charge.
// SPOTIFY PREMIUM
(If you’re a member of the United States government please politely look away now)
I used to be all about the whole ‘youtube to mp3’ converter to download songs (I’m too dumb to torrent things) but honestly, I got too lazy to copy and paste individual links. Look at me, reformed from a life of crime due to laziness!!!!
It was definitely worth it though — regular Spotify eats up your data and only lets you play artists on shuffle. Being able to save playlists and albums to play offline is neato, I’d say! Look at me… living inside the confines of the law and loving it!!!
You can get Spotify Premium for 5 dollars a month if you’re a student! (They also have this promotion where they do 3 months for 99 cents quite often so keep ya peepers out and peeping 👀 🔍 )
// THRIFT STORES
Thrift stores are a GOD SEND if you’re broke or like to dress like the lady in your neighborhood who owns four too many wind chimes mixed with a member of the coolest retirement-age bowling team in town. I, personally, fit neatly into both categories and have been buying almost all of my clothes/shoes/purses at thrift stores for years now.
It’s refreshing and therapeutic to shift through the racks of clothes with history instead of seeing the same graphic t-shirts emblazoned with variations of “I love pizza” 30 times in a row. Plus you can buy five Hawaiian shirts for five dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m so grateful that Macklemore invented thrift stores back in 2012.
Well! I think that’s it folks. I can’t divulge all the tricks I’ve learned for maintaining an adequate life at once! Gotta keep you coming back for more.
As always, I’ll leave you with some Dog Content. Here’s a vine of a dog named Hank doing a dramatic head turn. I love him and the drama he conveys in just 6 short seconds.