I had a weird weekend.
Well, more precisely, I had a weird Friday morning – Saturday Afternoon. My Saturday night rang in at a strong Average and my Sunday has been quite pleasant so far, thanks for asking. This morning I bought $12 worth of groceries (just one loaf of bread, basically) after having no edible substances in my apartment and listened to Stacy’s Mom on repeat. Living my best life!
Friday morning I got my senior portrait taken. “Senior portrait” is such an elegant phrase. It makes it seem like I sat for hours on a terrace surrounded by roses and fifty different kinds of fruit while a silent and steady-handed frenchman painted my likeness and chain smoked. My grandmother, who normally would have chided anyone smoking around me (for my delicate lungs always need to be considered) kept her lips sealed because we waited six years to get an appointment with the artiste and she wanted my portrait to be impeccable as it would hang in the foyer for decades to come.
In reality, it was a two minute ordeal in which a young woman with lavender hair and a voice like wind chimes had me contort my neck and shoulders into unnatural shapes while What If God Was One Of Us played softly in the background. My appointment was at 10 am, meaning I had to slap on a full face of makeup at 8 in the morning. You know it’s going to be an odd day when you have false lashes on before the sun has even fully woken up.
My commute to school was… something. The bus I take daily is notoriously weird but I think it outdid itself on Friday. Here’s my tweets from then:
When we evacuated, there was already a new, not-on-fire bus waiting for us. We silently walked into that one and sat in the exact same spots we had been sitting in on the old bus. No one said anything or acknowledged it happened in any way. It was so weird!!!!!!!!! Maybe it didn’t really happen? Who knows.
Friday night all my friends congregated at Isabel’s apartment, which has become this semester’s hang out spot mostly because she has a big couch and is currently fostering two tiny angelic kittens!!!!!!
We spent the evening drinking boxed wine out of various shapes of glassware– champagne flutes, margarita glasses, mugs– because Isabel has broken all her wine glasses. We don’t have wine glasses at my apartment either. It’s weird to think that there’s probably going to come a time in my life where I’ll only ever drink (non-boxed) wine out of real, actual wine glasses that didn’t come from goodwill or the dollar store. Either that or I’ll just reject that concept completely and slurp wine from bowls when I’m 45 and at dinner parties. It could be my thing.
Isabel has an Amazon Echo (it’s basically the physical manifestation of Siri / also acts as a speaker) and when asking it to do something, you have to address it as “Alexa.” My friends always make fun of me for saying please and thank you to her but jokes on them because she’ll be more likely to spare me when the robots rise up against us flesh-bags!!!
The night came to a close with us asking her stupid questions and tearing up at her endearing answers. To “have you ever been in love?” she said, “I don’t think I am capable.” To “I’m sad, what should I do?” she said, “Take a nice long walk. It’ll be okay.” To “Tell me a joke” she said, “What did the shy pebble wish? That she could be a little boulder.” Something is so sad to me that we program technology to sound and act like humans but they can never have their own lives or opinions!!!!! Why am I getting emotional over a speaker that was literally just created so you accidentally buy things off Amazon? Who knows! But I would die for her.
Saturday was a mess. I’ve been trying to go to Salem for months (well, years, actually) and Saturday was finally my day! Lily, Ripley, and I dragged ourselves out of our apartments at 10:30 am and I was proud of us. “Look at us! Doing something other than just going to the Pru!” I said. (Our standard version of “doing something” is going to Sephora and swatching highlighters we can’t afford.)
It was a lovely autumn day, I saw a small dog in a vibrantly patterned 80s vest, I had enough iced coffee to WiiiiiiiiiiiRE me for the rest of the day. Life was good! There was a pep in our steps, a twinkle in our eyes. Then a four hour battle between us and the Boston public transit system ensued as we tried to make our way to Salem. We lost. But don’t say we didn’t try!!!! The dream of Salem had to be forcibly dragged out of our grip. At one point we even tried asking our friend’s boyfriend if we could use his Zipcar membership to rent a car. Everything failed so finally, finally we gave up.
We didn’t want to let the quaint fall afternoon go completely to waste so after Lily and Ripley turned down my suggestion of visiting this cool Victorian graveyard, we settled on going to the Boston Skywalk Observatory which is…. in the damn Pru. After all that we still ended up in the Pru!!!!! At least we got some cool pictures? God. There’s a reason that ‘Prudential’ and ‘Purgatory’ start with the same letter.
Further evidence that the Pru is Purgatory (Prugatory?) — we had to wander a seemingly endless maze for TENS of MINUTES to find a dang bathroom. We ended up in a bougie one in Saks Fifth Avenue that had a plaque with “women’s lounge” engraved on it. There’s no way in hell I should ever be allowed in a place that calls their bathroom “lounges.” I did nab two rolls of toilet paper for the apartment so the day wasn’t a complete waste. (I never steal except for toilet paper from upscale establishments. And even that’s only happened twice. I could still become the nun my grandma wants me to be.)
I felt so out of place in Saks, man. Nothing humbles you faster than being drawn to a fluffy multicolored coat just to see the price tag says it’s OVER A THOUSAND DOLLARS. And then you check every item next to it on the rack and they’re all thousands of dollars!!!!!! There was so much money and glamour in that store. Meanwhile I was wearing my ’12 year old who ran away from home to live in a traincar’ outfit and got a Look when I said the word “Goodwill.” Whatever nerds, I’m gonna stick to not spending more than 5 dollars on any article of clothing!!!! It’s not like we can bring these pieces of cloth into the afterlife anyway.
I will leave you with this dog in a leaf pile, loving its entire life. A gentle autumnal treat.