(I took this picture in sophomore year of high school and I put it on facebook in an album of other aquarium pictures entitled “fish. or whatever.” I’m glad I took care to make it all lowercase so my apathy really shone through.)
Hello friends! I’m coming at you live from a shiny, new URL — carapond.com. Look at it, it’s so clean! I feel so free without the wordpress bit weighing me down. Dobby’s a free elf, baby!!!!!! (for the price of $18 a year).
It’s almost the end of 2016 which means I’m going to do the same thing I do every year— make a list of resolutions but just call them “goals” so I’m not as intimidated and then promptly forget about them in a week’s time. I’m not really a goal-oriented person. I just kind of float around and do what I need to do. But so do jellyfish, and they don’t even have brains!!!!!!!!! Am I no different from a gelatinous pile of cells? Honestly the only marked difference is that I know who Beyoncé is. But even that — do any of us really know who Beyoncé is? Me and that jellyfish are on a level playing field once again.
Lately I’ve been really thinking about this one quote I stumbled upon a few years ago by Ayn Rand (who I always, always get mixed up with Ann Coulter which is horrifying. Brain, why?) —
“Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.”
I’m really going to try to keep this quote in mind this year. I remember reading somewhere that Western culture views happiness as a stagnant place and if you juuuuust work hard enough, you can get there and stay there. I remember thinking, ha that’s dumb, who thinks like that!!!!! Then I took a moment and realized— Oh. I think like that.
High school for me was a swirling, seemingly inescapable hellmouth. I thought that if I could get past that life hurdle I would be HAPPY™ until the end of days. That was true, to an extent. I remember a week after I graduated my brother told me I seemed happy and I was. Every day I spend out of high school is a good day, my friends. There is a huge difference between the way I felt then and how I feel now. While it’s great to be able to compare where I was with where I am and be thankful, I also don’t want to end up always relying on saying “oh, well at least I’m not THERE anymore.” It would be a bummer if I live life only thinking good things are good because at the very least, they aren’t bad. Does that make sense?
So, back to the quote. “Fight for your happiness” resonated with me because it’s active. I’m realizing (Kylie Jenner 2016 ©) that probably the reason I’m often unsatisfied with my life is because I just kind of sit there and let life happen to me. I need to have more of a hand in shaping it. It’s going to be a constant, ugly battle and I’m not completely sure I’m ready but I am at least a little bit willing.
I need to learn to value myself more. I need to go after what I want because I deserve to. Even typing that felt weird. I deserve to? It feels foreign and almost entitled to say that but, like, yeah? I do. Humility is important, I think, but it can get stifling.
I’m going to work on finding the balance between humility and confidence this year. And I’m going to try to actively work towards things I want, not just settling for anything that crosses my path. But through this, I’m aiming to recognize that there is no A L M I G H T Y H A P P I N E S S L E V E L that I’m going to ultimately reach.
This got a little sappy but hey, if you can’t handle the sap, get out of the forest.
VALUE YRSELF 2K17.
And with that, I will return from whence I came— the foggy abyss. But not before giving you this parting gift— a post of a corgi posing with characters from Disneyland. Wow. Life can be beautiful.